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  • dreadpirate

    Ultimate Member
    Mar 7, 2010
    5,521
    Cuba on the Chesapeake
    [OOPS - supposed to be in the Water Cooler!!]

    The Montana Cowboy

    A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new 2018 BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man named Cliff in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

    Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

    The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Apple iPhone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

    The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

    Within seconds, he receives an email on his Apple iPad® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Galaxy S5® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

    Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

    "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

    He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

    Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

    The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

    "You're a United States Congressman", says Bud.

    "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

    "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know crap about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep."

    "Now give me back my dog."

    AND THAT FOLKS, IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS.
     

    Jarhead FLSTI

    Active Member
    Aug 31, 2008
    804
    Glen Burnie
    A man, 75-year-old Earl, walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist, an uptight lady, said, “Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?”

    “There’s something wrong with my johnson,” he replied. Several people turned their heads to look at him, surprised.

    The receptionist, embarrassed at the situation, said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.”

    “Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,” Earl said.

    The receptionist replied, “Now you have caused needless embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.”

    The man replied, “You should not ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.” He then walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

    The receptionist smiled smugly. “Yes?”

    “There’s something wrong with my ear,” Earl stated loudly.

    The receptionist nodded approvingly, knowing he had taken her advice. “What is wrong with your ear, sir?”

    “I can’t piss out of it,” he replied.

    The waiting room erupted in laughter.
     

    Rich1911

    Ultimate Member
    Mar 8, 2012
    3,839
    A 17-year-old boy who works part-time at Pizza Hut drives up to park in front of the house in a beautiful Porsche.
    Naturally, his parents know that there’s no way he earned enough with his after-school job to buy such a car.
    “Where did you get that car?” his mom and dad screamed in shock.

    “I bought it today,” replied the teen calmly.

    “With what money young man?” his mom demands. “We know how much a Porsche costs and you cannot afford it!”

    “Well, it’s used and I got a good deal” says the boy, “This one cost me 20 dollars.”

    “Who on earth would sell a car like that for 20 dollars?!”

    “The woman up the street,” the boy replies. “I don’t know her name–she just moved in.
    She ordered a pizza and when I delivered it to her, she asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for 20 dollars.”

    The boy’s dad and mom hurry over to their new neighbor’s house, ready to demand an explanation. Curiously, their new neighbor is calmly planting flowers in her front yard.

    “I’m the father of the kid you just sold a sports car to for $20,” the dad says. “I need an explanation from you!”

    “Well,” the woman says, not looking up from her garden. “This morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip in Florida, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn’t intend to come back.”

    “What on earth does that have to do with selling our son a Porsche for $20?” The boy’s mom asks, utterly perplexed.

    The new neighbor smiles very big, and pauses for a minute. “Well, my husband asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money.
    So I did...
     

    hodgepodge

    Senior Member (Gold)
    Sep 3, 2009
    10,084
    Arnold, MD
    The devil is in the details….
    During a church service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
    Suzie stood and walked to the podium. She said, “Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was crushed.”
    There was a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation.
    “Phil was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and they were able to reconstruct the crushed remnants of Phil’s scrotum, using wire to reinforce and shape it.”
    The men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably.
    “Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.” All the men sighed with relief.
    The pastor rose and asked if anyone else had something to say.
    A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, “I’m Phil.”
    The entire congregation held its breath.
    “I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum.”

    228657359_5852023874839934_4712778620940012246_n.jpg
     

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