Mr H
Banana'd
Here ya go...
Jewish humor for my buddy Eruby
- Thread starter BigCity
- Start date
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- Apr 4, 2013
- 989
A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were discussing business during a dinner.
Catholic: "I have a large fortune... I am going to buy CITIBANK!"
Protestant: "I am very wealthy and will buy GENERAL MOTORS!"
Muslim: "I am a fabulously rich prince... I intend to purchase HALLIBURTON!"
They then all wait for the Jew to speak...
The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes a sip of his coffee, looks at them and casually says: "I'M NOT SELLING!"
Catholic: "I have a large fortune... I am going to buy CITIBANK!"
Protestant: "I am very wealthy and will buy GENERAL MOTORS!"
Muslim: "I am a fabulously rich prince... I intend to purchase HALLIBURTON!"
They then all wait for the Jew to speak...
The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes a sip of his coffee, looks at them and casually says: "I'M NOT SELLING!"
A Jewish man was finishing up in a bathroom stall. As he was pulling up his pants, a dime fell out his pocket and into the toilet. He just stood there staring in the toilet. After pondering for a few moments, the Jew reaches into his pocket, pulled out a quarter, and tossed it into the toilet. He then said to himself, “Now it’s worth it”. And reached in and grabbed them both.
Told to me by an Israeli friend of mine.
Told to me by an Israeli friend of mine.
jjbduke2004
Ultimate Member
Here ya go...
I should have explained it better: I was going to type it in from memory but googled first to see if it was posted elsewhere. I didn't want to "steal" from that author so i thought a link was more appropriate.
And in the version I remember it was the Levine Brothers
Man does this thread take me back to college and a Reformed girlfriend named Barbara. She was on the athletic side (think beautiful Israeli military), anti-JAP, and knew more Catskill-kinda' jokes than anybody.
Mr H
Banana'd
Why do Jews make fun of themselves?
Takes the joy out of it for everyone else!
(OK, I just made that up... and I do it too
)
Takes the joy out of it for everyone else!
(OK, I just made that up... and I do it too
)
jjbduke2004
Ultimate Member
I'll migrate to Israeli jokes:
They sought out an American, an Israeli, a Pole, and a Soviet. “Excuse me, we’re conducting a poll on the shortage of meat in your country,” the pollster informed each of the four.
“What’s a ‘shortage’?” the American asked.
“What’s ‘excuse me’?” the Israeli asked.
“What’s ‘meat’?” the Pole asked.
“What’s ‘poll’?” the Soviet asked.
They sought out an American, an Israeli, a Pole, and a Soviet. “Excuse me, we’re conducting a poll on the shortage of meat in your country,” the pollster informed each of the four.
“What’s a ‘shortage’?” the American asked.
“What’s ‘excuse me’?” the Israeli asked.
“What’s ‘meat’?” the Pole asked.
“What’s ‘poll’?” the Soviet asked.
Ammo Jon
Ultimate Member
- Mar 3, 2008
- 20,976
Two older friends, a Jew and a Gentile are crossing the street when a car comes out of nowhere and hits the Jew. His friend runs over, takes off his coat and puts it under his head. “Are you comfortable?” he asks. His friend replies, “I make a living.”
Squaregrouper
Kragaphile
If member Tod had any idea how many Jews are posting Jew Jokes, he would chuckle himself.
True story, from long ago:
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi were fishing in a small boat. The minister said, "I just remembered: I have to make a phone call." So he knelt in the bottom of the boat, prayed briefly, then stepped out of the boat and trotted across the lake to the dock, where he used the pay phone. When he was finished, he knelt on the lake shore and prayed for a few minutes, then jogged across the water, got back in the boat, and resumed fishing.
A few minutes later, the priest announced, "I just remembered: I have to make a phone call." So he knelt in the bottom of the boat, prayed briefly, then stepped out of the boat and trotted across the lake to the dock, where he used the pay phone. When he was finished, he knelt on the lake shore and prayed for a few minutes, then jogged across the water, got back in the boat, and resumed fishing.
The rabbi tried to hide his astonishment, but inwardly he was thinking, I mustn't let these goyim show me up. So after a few minutes he said, "I just remembered: I too have to make a phone call."
So he knelt in the bottom of the boat, prayed briefly, then stepped out of the boat and sank beneath the water of the lake, bobbing to the surface a moment later, sputtering and thrashing. After the priest and the minister helped him back into the boat, he prayed for fully five minutes, stepped out of the boat... and again sank like a rock beneath the water.
After the rabbi's third attempt, as he thrashed and splashed in the water, the minister turned to the priest and said, "Do you think we should tell him where the rocks are?"
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi were fishing in a small boat. The minister said, "I just remembered: I have to make a phone call." So he knelt in the bottom of the boat, prayed briefly, then stepped out of the boat and trotted across the lake to the dock, where he used the pay phone. When he was finished, he knelt on the lake shore and prayed for a few minutes, then jogged across the water, got back in the boat, and resumed fishing.
A few minutes later, the priest announced, "I just remembered: I have to make a phone call." So he knelt in the bottom of the boat, prayed briefly, then stepped out of the boat and trotted across the lake to the dock, where he used the pay phone. When he was finished, he knelt on the lake shore and prayed for a few minutes, then jogged across the water, got back in the boat, and resumed fishing.
The rabbi tried to hide his astonishment, but inwardly he was thinking, I mustn't let these goyim show me up. So after a few minutes he said, "I just remembered: I too have to make a phone call."
So he knelt in the bottom of the boat, prayed briefly, then stepped out of the boat and sank beneath the water of the lake, bobbing to the surface a moment later, sputtering and thrashing. After the priest and the minister helped him back into the boat, he prayed for fully five minutes, stepped out of the boat... and again sank like a rock beneath the water.
After the rabbi's third attempt, as he thrashed and splashed in the water, the minister turned to the priest and said, "Do you think we should tell him where the rocks are?"
GrimReaper
Ultimate Member
Congratjewlations on creating a great thread
Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk
Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk
My contribution
What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?
Answer: "Is anything all right?"
What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?
Answer: "Is anything all right?"
You do have a sense of humor!! Bravo.
Welcome to our twisted lot.
ERuby smiles.
When you retire from government, you just might find a different perspective. It did wonders for my previously wadded boxers...
Again, good on ya big fella.
TheOriginalMexicanBob
Ultimate Member
I know a guy who pretty much did this. He said that once when he stood up from the toilet a quarter dropped from his pants into the bowl. He said he went in after it. "It's my sh!t" he said to justify it.
And yes...the guy is that cheap. He's in his 60s now and has only gotten worse when it comes to "frugality"...whenever he eats at a fast food restaurant (standard restaurants are too expensive for him), he leaves with his pockets full of sweetener packets, ketchup packets, napkins, etc.
threegun
Active Member
A little story about government brain washing.
I was a 40 year government employee. At the end of one day our division went to holiday sensitivity training where they encouraged us not to mention specific holidays when wishing each other well. I returned to my desks and was putting on my coat when I made eye contact with my very religious and politically conservative Jewish friend. In his deepest and loudest voice he wished me a Merry Christmas I returned with my loudest Happy Hanukkah. As we proceed down the isle others stood and wished us both a Merry Christmas and a Happy Hanukkah. Every race and religion made a showing that day. As we past the Division Director he shook his head and said you two are incorrigible. Under his breath he said well done. One of my best days as a government employee. They can put that PC junk where the sun don't shine.
I was a 40 year government employee. At the end of one day our division went to holiday sensitivity training where they encouraged us not to mention specific holidays when wishing each other well. I returned to my desks and was putting on my coat when I made eye contact with my very religious and politically conservative Jewish friend. In his deepest and loudest voice he wished me a Merry Christmas I returned with my loudest Happy Hanukkah. As we proceed down the isle others stood and wished us both a Merry Christmas and a Happy Hanukkah. Every race and religion made a showing that day. As we past the Division Director he shook his head and said you two are incorrigible. Under his breath he said well done. One of my best days as a government employee. They can put that PC junk where the sun don't shine.
And they shouted “AMEN” to the heavens!
..... a canoe tips
..... to get the quarter back
..... don't bother, I'll sit in the dark
..... to get the quarter back
..... don't bother, I'll sit in the dark
Czechnologist
Concerned Citizen
- Mar 9, 2016
- 6,531
